A Hatred for Goodbyes

I Hate Goodbyes I’ve Said Too Many 
 Or Missed Too Many 
 Yes, I’ve Missed Many Goodbyes, Not Knowing The Last Time Closed The Door Was The Last Time I Would See Your Beautiful Face.
 Your Big Brown Eyes Your Soft And Small Body.
 Not Knowing. . . . That I Would Lose You Not Knowing That That Was The Last Time I Would Kiss You Hold You Hug You 
 I Hate Them. I Hate Moves. And Changes Because Changes Always Involve A Loss.
 Mostly, I Hate Losing. I Hate The Pain Of Grief Stifled By A Pillow At Dawn. Grief Contained By Running Into The Bathroom Or A Closet So They Don’t Hear The Hours You Spent Weeping. So They Don’t Know How Long You Have Stared At The Moonlight And Wondered Why Even The Night Can Shine Brighter Than Your Mind As You Lie On The Floor Or Lie Curled In A Corner On The Carpet Or In The Grass Of An Open Field. Because You Ran Because You Ran So So Far You Ran Past The Streets You Ran Past The People And The Trees Because You Wanted To Be Where You Were Alone Which Is How Your Heart Feels. . .Utterly Alone And Lost Fragments And Tatters. You Are A Shards Of Who You Were 
 I Hate Goodbyes: 
 The Ones That Are Missed. Not Knowing That It Was A Goodbye That Our Last Conversation At A Dinner Table In December Would Be The Last Time You Were Awake Or That The Last Time I Saw You In The Hospital And Held Your Hand Was The Last Tim I Would Touch You, See You --- I Still Love You More And More Every Day That Never Changes Never 
 To Those Beloved And Bereaved 
 God, Do I Wish I Had Known To Hug You Tighter To Kiss You More To Call You One More Time When You Still Knew How To Answer The Phone When You Still Remember Who I Was. 
 I Hate Goodbyes The Moments Missed. 
 He Was Going To Ask Me To Prom I Was Going To Wear A Yellow Dress And He Was Going To Wear A Beautiful Tux With His Beautiful Smile. He, You-You Were Going To Make Me Laugh With Your Quiet Jokes And Have A Smile That Spread So Far It Hurt I Cheeks But You Left Me And Now There Is No Longer Your Sweetness Here 
 I Hate Goodbyes 
 Because They Cut You. They Cut Like The Buttered Bread We Had At Dinner As We Listening To Your Stories. 
 They Cut Like The Crystalline Twinkle Of A Childhood Music Box That Played As My Grandmother Tickled My Back. 
 When I Left You. You Couldn't Hear Me Or Speak With Me Anymore And I Walked Out The Door And You Were Not There The Next Tim I Came Home. To A Home That Was No Longer Our Home. No Longer My Home. No Longer Home.  
 I Hate Goodbyes Graduating And Leaving To Another State During A Pandemic. Without Singing In My Last Choral Concert. Without Those Moments Of Sonic Tears. Now My Old Choral Songs Haunt Me At Night. Melancholy Memories Of That Which Is No Longer Right. The Closure I Need Closure. . . . 
 I Hate The Goodbye To I Sister I Didn't Know You Were Losing Control Of Your Body To A Disability 
 I Wish By God, Do I Wish I Had Climbed More Trees With You Climbed More Roofs With You And Stargazed On Sumer Nights Built More Snowmen Roller Bladed With You To The Park And Tumbled Down Hills I Wish I Had Hugged You More On The Days That That Didn’t Hurt I Wish I Had Been At All Of Your Games To Watch You Cheer To See You Dance The Joy That Gleamed From Your Eyes I Beautiful Dancing And The Days When  Would Play All Day And Your Bones Wouldn't Dislocate 
 I Wish I Had Called You More. Now We Don’t Talk. For My Brokenness Is So Complete That It Is Too Much Of A Burden To Release My Joys Or My Sorries To Another Soul. 
 To My Grandfather And Tia Mary I Didn’t Get To See You Enough Before You Left I You Robbed M Of More Hugs And More Of Your Lovely Love. I Wanted To Hear More Of Your Stories I Wanted To Celebrate Your Birthday One More Time With A Can Of Malta, Candles, And Lots And Lots Of Thanks 
 I Hate Goodbyes Because In Truth When Are They Ever Good? When Have Ever Said Goodbye Enough? When Would I Ever Not Grieve The Loss Of Your Presence? When Could I Ever Not Miss Your Presence? 
 No. Goodbyes Are Never ‘Good’ For They Are Always Incomplete. 
 I Think This Heart Had Frosted For A While. For Now Mostly I Cry Myself To Sleep And Sometimes Dissociated From This Pain I Think My Heart Is Burning Now With All The Tears 
 Locked Up This Heart Is A Dam Busted. The Floodgates Are Thrown About And Now All At Once I’m Crying Day And Night And Day Again. And There's Nothing That Will Stop This Pain 
 How Can A Goodbye Be Good? They Make Me Not Want To Breathe I Grasp At The Hand Of I Sister And Friends I Don’t Want To Say Goodbye Again. 
 Please, God! No More Goodbyes. For Already I’m Not Sleeping Already Having Trouble Breathing Eating 
 God, Help Me To Just Simply Be. I Would Like To Say Hello Again But My Heart Is Locked Up Tight Afraid It Will Be Broken By A Loss Or By A Fight. 
 My God, God Of Might 
 Please, Give Me Strength To Carry On When I Can Barely Breathe And My Heart Is Cut Wide Open And Bleeding Down My Arms 
 And All My Scars Un-Healing 
 And My Bruised Arms Are Battered But No One Sees This For I Keep Them Afar God, 
 Unlock My Heart And Take Away This Pain 
 Please, God No More Goodbyes 
 Please Bring More Healing And Hellos.

Published by Silent Singer

The Silent Singer

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