Court was worse than rape

I don’t understand why the prosecutor has to make you feel guilty in the cross examination. 

All they could do was a protection order. Our lawyers settled on this but then when he found out he wasn’t allowed to buy firearms in the area I was living he became irate. 

I don’t understand why a protection order is the best the legal system can do? 

I had a genetic disorder that made me lose motor control and made me more vulnerable, and a heart condition. 

The lawyer questioned my genetic disorder, a rare and trying one indeed…. 

And now I wish I was dead 

I wake up at 4 am the same time it occurred

I can’t stop thinking about it. 

My pen name is the silent singer silent because of illness and loss sometimes but not because of rape. 

Why does no one listen to the words I had to say. 

I said no so many times 

I gave nos with reasons. 

He called me a slut said he preferred white girls as he slapped my ass. Turned me over and I didn’t resist. 

I said no so many times. 

And this prosecutor with glowing eyes 

I didn’t say no or yes I argued with him and he told me to control myself that I wasn’t on tv 

I told him why should I be silent again after what hed done to me? 

I told him I couldn’t answer his questions 

He rephrased then so they were leading questions 

He asked me if when I showered the physical and psychological evidence was washed away. How could it be? I can’t sleep. My mind gives me no peace? 

I cared for kids and elderly caregiver I used to be a lifeguard….. Mentor scholar musician faithful girl

I can’t drink anymore 
I can’t dance anymore 
There is no smile in my eyes 
There’s no light 
There’s only anger 

I didn’t cry in court 
I shook from anger 
I looked this stranger in his eyes 
He didn’t say a word 
Just looking left and at the floor 
His lawyer smirked 
The interpretar had a friendly chat with the offender 
Emphasized his lawyers words 
And interpreted monotone the words I said 
The judge still took my size
I only wanted him to learn 
I didn’t want anything 
But him not to harm me again 
This was worse 
I think court was worse than rape 
Because now I relive every moment again in humiliation publicly 
I had to repeat more than five times 
And translate the details of how he penetrated me 

My lawyers said I was brave they said that they believed me 
And yes I know that’s good to hear. 
But I’ve spent my life a scholar in service and in song. I’ve spent many Saturday’s in prayer and service too. I am not brave. I’m angry. 

You asked why I froze and didn’t scream
But then in my anger in the court room said I did not act like a lady? 

The man you defended said that our people were all whores, and cheap. Would you have terrorized and traumatized me again knowing that he hated our people? 

And now that it’s over for six months at least he can’t contact me 

I just want to die. Did we win? I would rather he killed me. I fantasize about it every night. I wish that he he killed me i would have rather died 

And now I understand why people hate the gringos here. 

They rape us and then they leave. my family built there roots here. I’m a diaspora Child. I come back every summer and winter to see my family. This is my home too. I may be a vístante. I may speak my Spanish wrong. But for this gringo to rape me and leave? Why aren’t the laws stricter here? 

It’s 2022. He initiated kissing. I consented to this and never to any form of sex. I said no. I gave him reasons. I was in the hospital a week prior and this he knew. So why could a stranger rape me at my job and then move away without consequences too? 

He’s worried about his citizenship after calling our women whores? I have undocumented friends who work for non profits there whole life. Yet this green card blanco gringo. Racist Rapist white can come into my abuelitos homeland——-rape me and everything’s alright. To the defender who defended him—- morena and dark too. Did you know this racist called out women cheap? Why defend him so well you traitor with a smile in your eyes you did your job too well this time

I want to die. I think about driving my car into a bridge or sea. I wish I was dead but I have a sister and a new sobrino who need me…. 

You didn’t prosecute non consent without violence?? It’s 2022 

You need more laws to protect your women from gringos who are like this. 

I wish he killed me that night. I really wish he did. But I still have my life to live? 

We need to change this law? Will this happen again? Do you really want some gringo yo come and rape your sister or your friend this protection order is not enough. It doesn’t keep the nightmares so clear from entering my head. 

Why don’t you protect your women here? 
Are my achievements not enough for credibility?

Why did you protect this man better than me? 

Why humiliate me? 

Prosecutor you did your job so well. Every night I go to bed. I daydream about slitting my wrists or swimming out too far or jumping too the rocks 

Why protect this gringo mas? 

You want him to get his citizenship? You don’t tell the stories of foreigners who rape. Well this time I am a white and Latina too do you protect me because I am your own? 

I love you Puerto Rico. But I despise your laws you protect your gringos better than you do your own family your own blood. 

I thank the judge that he didn’t get mad at my anger in the room. That he at least gave me protection but is there not more that you can do? 

Why do you protect your gringos better than your nietas? 

You need to do criminalize any form of non consent to some degree. My god it is 2022